Ever felt a numbness inside of you that just won’t go?
when you feel like crying
when you feel joy
and when you feel pain?
you don’t feel those at all, all you feel is
i feel that sometimes, actually all the time. When i am sad, when i am happy, when anything happens to me. Its all trapped inside, covered and muffled. i cannot express myself freely, i cannot go wild, crazy and go silly having fun. Its so tough that i cannot even cry anymore. Even though i feel the treacherous tears threatening to slide down my cheek, it just collects on my lids and stops there. Stagnant and soon it dries up.
My friend told me that i have held it too long in me. That i have been wearing a mask all this while. Maybe, just maybe. I cannot be upfront about it. At times, i do feel intense joy, i feel it when something happens to other people, like another friend of mine told me his niece is getting married..i can feel myself getting oh so excited! So happy and so crazy! BOOYAH! And when i saw someone getting hurt, i feel pain, i feel the tears, i feel the sorrow…i want to help the person get it over with and be strong. All this i can feel. But my own feelings, i cannot recognize.
I do not know whats wrong with me or whats happening. but all i know now is that i find peace whenever i flip the pages of my bible, seeking refuge in the word of God. Maybe one day He can teach me how to cry.